how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
