he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
