Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I met the friendliest cop last night
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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