You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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