i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
