There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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