Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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