My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
