I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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