Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize