Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
