I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Randomize
