If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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