I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
