help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
