We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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