Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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