Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
God, I missed his penis.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
