I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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