awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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