Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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