Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize