i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
