would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i came on her dog
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
