And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
