Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
