Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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