Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
