so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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