I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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