Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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