if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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