Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Operation Purity has been aborted
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize