Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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