'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
This is the high leading the old right now
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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