I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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