i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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