please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
