4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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