I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
