i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Randomize
