she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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