3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
