but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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