I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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