ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
grandma shit on top of the toilet
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
