I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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