saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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