I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
did i walk over a car last night?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
