i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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