on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
