btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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