I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
