I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
