I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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