im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
