your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
