Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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