just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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