Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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