She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
